The People in My Life are Assholes: Lessons from a reformed overachiever

“The most disrespected woman in America, is the black woman”  - Malcom X

Three months after celebrating my 30th birthday, I experienced my first manic episode and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In retrospect, considering my complex background - Creole and Trinidadian heritage, coupled with the experience of being one of the few black girls growing up in New Mexico - it's somewhat surprising that my brain did not have a meltdown sooner. Now, at 30, I find myself in the illogical position of being outwardly successful yet inwardly unhappy.

As I gather the fragments of my life and reassess my priorities, one recurring thought dominates my mind: The people in my life are assholes.

To be fair, my family and close friends have been attempting to help, but they're at a loss. Many are navigating their own paths to happiness or were unaware of my silent struggles.

Yes, I view the people in my life as inconsiderate because I feel I've been nurturing them from an empty well. However, the larger issue at hand is twofold: we often neglect to check on our "strong friends," and mental health resources for successful Black women remain scarce, even in 2024.

I once read that to solve a problem, one must become an agent of change. So, here are three insights I've gained thus far on my journey as a reformed overachiever:

Define Success on your own terms

My journey to redefine success began after a manic episode forced me to disconnect from social media. Despite my accomplishments, I had been caught in a cycle of constant comparison online, convincing myself I was failing. During my time offline, I learned to set small, realistic goals like drinking water or styling my hair. This shift allowed me to appreciate personal growth and find fulfillment beyond external achievements. By changing my relationship with social media and focusing on my own progress, I discovered that success isn't just about what can be showcased online, but also about meaningful relationships and inner satisfaction. This new perspective helped me define success on my own terms, leading to a more balanced and fulfilling approach to life.

Learn to Say No

After experiencing a manic episode, I've learned the importance of setting clear boundaries and saying no to commitments that don't align with my values or wellbeing. While it's easy to blame others for being inconsiderate, I've realized that I played a part in enabling toxic relationships by not standing firm on my boundaries, especially with loved ones. Embracing "no" as my favorite word has been transformative. I've come to understand that all relationships, whether romantic or platonic, require mutual respect and healthy boundaries. By declining things I genuinely don't want to do, I've taken control of my time and energy. This practice of saying no has become a crucial element in my journey towards happiness, allowing me to prioritize my mental health and focus on relationships and activities that truly matter to me.

Enjoy the Journey

I've achieved a level of success that many, including my parents, consider remarkable for my age. They often remind me that my accomplishments surpass those of many adults throughout their entire lives. Yet, despite these external markers of success, I've found myself unfulfilled. In my relentless pursuit of achievement, I neglected to slow down and truly savor life's moments. This realization has led me to a profound shift in perspective: life's value extends far beyond financial success or professional accolades. Moving forward, I've adopted a new mantra - to cherish and enjoy the company of those I love. This refocus on relationships and personal connections has become my new measure of a life well-lived, reminding me to appreciate the journey rather than fixating solely on the destination.

As I continue to navigate this new chapter of my life, I've come to realize that the "assholes" in my world were often a reflection of my own inability to set boundaries and prioritize self-care. To my fellow overachievers, especially women of color facing mental health challenges: your worth isn't measured solely by your accomplishments. It's okay to slow down, to say no, and to define success on your own terms.